Why do I feel so calm?

Why do I feel so calm?


The tears: quiet, hot tears flow from my eyes, and yet I feel calm for myself. I worry for people that are dear to me - how will this new knowledge affect them? 


How is this new knowledge affecting me? Am I angry? Well, no, not really.Well, maybe yes! Who is ever ready for this?


 I am thinking, however, something like this: "Sorry, but please don't tell me that I must look out for myself! Actually, no, I am not sorry, just don't tell me that I have to look out for myself. Just don't go there. Of course, I will look out for myself! But I also have a family, and while I have life and breath, I will look out for them, too." 


And don't tell me to stay positive!!! OK?? Of course I will stay positive. I find that this is something akin to laying a new burden on me if someone tells me to stay positive. I feel this way: "What if I don't stay positive, what if I should become afraid, or angry, or negative? Is the cancer going to become worse? Will I be punished because I did not stay positive?"


In the next few days I am going to concentrate on the wonderful question one of my friends asked: "What can I do that will help?" That was such an amazing question! For now I will say that I have found the love and caring that I feel from my friends to be the most helpful. And just think of it! Love and moral support is free to give!


I thank all my friends for that, and look forward to walking this new Camino. Do I welcome it? No. Did I wish for it? No. Did I ask for it? Hell, no! Shall I get under the bed, and hide? Sorry, but that is not on the agenda. This new Camino starts on North Drive, and it becons us to go out and follow. 


Later this week I will tell you about another Camino (of sorts) from Jerusalem to Emmaus. 


Today we met with amazing doctors at the Grand River Cancer Centre. They were competent and sensitive, mindful of my feelings. They explored with subtle vigilance, seeking to discover how we were taking the news. Would they have to give the information in several doses? Would we be open to hearing the whole story? I appreciated that; it enabled me to state my wish for clarity and openness. They gave me that.


We were blessed to have Dr. John Lockhead accompanying us. John is a talented friend, acquainted with pain, both physical and spiritual, and familiar with the care of the body and the spirit. His presence enabled us to have a third set of ears to hear the information and another mind to absorb and ask questions.  "Thank you" seems like such a paltry phrase, John!


I will understand better this coming Friday when I meet with Dr. De Carolis again. Until then, I have received a new prescription to keep the pain under control, and I am comforted by the fact that on a first examination she did not feel bumps or lumps on any glands or on my liver. There will be further tests to determine this for sure, but for now I will start on oral chemotherapy, and pain management. I also have to get a little dental issue taken care of, and then we're off with the chemo and/or radiation.


Will I lose my carefully grown hair, now that it looks wonderful again? Maybe not, but, you know what? Compared with seeing my grand kids, my children and their partners, and my husband, what's a little hair loss if it should come to that?


Off we go, May is the best month to start walking, so I will see you around, with my dilaudid and chemo, on the way to Santiago!