The second time around

Is love really sweeter the second time around? Certainly chemo is not sweeter. Oral chemo, intended to reduce pain, strengthen my bones, who knows? It may even put hair on someone's chest! So far I have no indications of this last item -- relax, folks, only kidding.


It has been a while since I wrote. Won't sugar coat it. Silence means either that I am totally zombied-out, or that the neuropathy in my fingers is making it difficult to type. I should get one of those programs where you just dictate! Sometimes my fingers feel like they are all thumbs, and it is difficult to choose between letter keys as I type.


So, how are you, Myrta? The physical difficulties made it easy  to not write, stay silent for a while and observe, feel how I am really feeling, examine what is happening. So many friends have honoured me by looking up the blog, and noticing that I have not written for a while. Thank you for checking in, and letting me know what you think. Thank you for your encouraging messages and your ongoing prayers and care.


When you are told, as I have been, that the goal will be to reduce pain, a little message pops up on one's screen: "Hold it, boss, what are they saying? Just pain control, what's the deal here?" You try to concentrate on what you are being told, but the inner message keeps popping up. What is the meaning of this, really?


Anticipatory grief. There is a phrase for you. Talk about hair on your chest! And what about "life review"? That is another one. How do you process stuff, the memories, experiences,and (yes, even) the fears of years? And what about narrative therapy? And short term brief counselling, and scaling? On a scale of one to ten, how are you feeling? Have you ever felt this way before? What helped you to get out? Where on the scale would you like to be? What do you need to get there?


A wonderful doctor friend asked me an amazing question today: if your loved ones falter about the fact that you don't seem to be fighting as much as they would expect, will they see your attitude as resignation, or will they grow to see it as courage? Where on the scale would I like to be? Hmm.


I am taking both long-lasting pain relief, and medication for the time when the pain breaks through the barrier.  Every 2 weeks I have a break from the oral chemo which I take daily. I am on the "OFF" week now, and it has been wonderful. Tonight we are going to Swiss Chalet for supper. Next week I will not wish to eat a thing, and it will be difficult to persuade my poor body to swallow. Ah well, tonight, this moment, I am well.


That is all for now, and remind me to write you about my walking cane!